I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wear drunk well.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
