Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
