I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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