you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
