I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
