Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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