he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you made out with another girl for some wings
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
