tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize