Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
