Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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