Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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