You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
