I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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