Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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