Sponge bath it is.
I want to make a zoo with you.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
