he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
