I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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