i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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