I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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