did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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