the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
