Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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