my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
