anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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