Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
