Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
