Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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