Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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