3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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