I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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