Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
