I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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