I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
