I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
