I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
