how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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