saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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