I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize