you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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