Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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