Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
