She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
