I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
