I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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