Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
