Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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