Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
