Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
