I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You've changed since you got that strap on
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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