Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
