Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
