i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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