Only a mothe r could love this liver
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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