Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
