does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
