he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
