I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
