He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
we're so committed to being not committed
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
