Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No subtext here. People are naked.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
