my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
