I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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