Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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