This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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