This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
