I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
