Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
