I could have mohawked her pubes.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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