life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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