Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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