Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
